Hmm so January, uh, something. Mascara stains on the pillow, half had gin resting on the side table and to its right my phone was sitting silently. I saw three notifications and thought to myself, “guess today’s not that bad after all”. I mean I crossed three minds this morning or probably just one person’s three times or perhaps one mind, once and twice the other one’s, but hey, it’s something and there’s someone.

I try to unlock my phone, almost dropping it once, picked it up, drew the pattern with my finger tips over the smashed, beyond repair, sad sad phone and got it twice wrong. I somehow unlocked it and was notified that I had missed three alarms. Yep. Just that.
“Uh-huh”, I sighed while that blank, empty display just stared right back at me in silence. And I it. After scrolling for about 16 mins I tossed it to the side and turned my back towards it.
“I should probably get ready”, I slurred to absolutely no one.

Convinced myself to get out this bed, leave my white but some places grey sheets and separate them from my stiff and aching body.
Forcing myself up and out, I rest my feet on the cold wooden floor and put on my old red slippers.

The sky was darker than usual and I could almost smell the rain. The sun was hidden and everything seemed so so still. I lit up a cigarette and took a puff while wondering,
“do I really need to this? getting up, going out and all in all just moving on?”
My mind didn’t exactly know how to answer and instead it decided to carry on with the usual. Brushing my teeth, washing my face, shower, breakfast and yada yada yada.

Almost ready, I walk up towards the mirror and remind myself,
“Hey, you are happy”.
I then put on my lip balm and tried to fake a smile. The kind of forced smile that actually hurts when you do.

And then we say we are fine?
PS: are you really happy or just remind-myself-in-the-mirror happy?

Ishita Bhatia


Instagram: _occultatum__

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