DISCLAIMER: A NOT SO HAPPY THOUGHT
There are some days when I find myself guilt tripping over how sad or how lonely I feel sometimes. Days when I try to bury my face in that white silk pillow of mine, trying desperately hard to hide the fact that I’m not okay tonight or trying desperately hard to fake a goodnight smile. Days when I try to hush my sniffs into whispers so that my friends, who are waiting outside, won’t hear my cries. Days when I don’t feel like answering any call or a single text because now even the tiniest of things feel so overwhelming. I feel guilty. Because to be very, very mad honest with you, I have got no reason to be sad about and/or, I have not lost anything worthy to mourn over. In fact, I’ve got pretty much everything an ordinary kid could ask for. A good family, few great friends, a place I can call home and a person I can call mine. Then why? Why are there times when I find myself drowning in the sea of my own fucking thoughts? Why are there times I find my self falling into this abyss that’s built up in my head? (dramatic enough?) Yeah so as I was saying, I,feel, (guess?) guilty. Because there is no reason I should be staying up all night with these shitty thoughts of mine.
Sometimes I feel like I’m too privileged to be depressed. I know it’s an insensitive, and to some level an ignorant thing to say but.. but I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel guilty when I see my parent’s faces. Dammit they work so much, so hard and they do it every single day.
My Mom and Dad, these two have dedicated their entire life just for their kids. I know they’ll go to any possible extent just to make us (me and my brother) smile and just so that they could relish those few moments of their child’s happy face. Man I’ve got too much love around me to feel sad and I feel guilty, because I do. I also feel guilty for not being the kid who would flash a big smile at them in the morning, let alone make them smile. For not loving my life. I am sorry for being not so happy.